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It’s not really something anyone ever expects to hear. More so, it’s something that people dread to hear. The common response, aside from shock, a feeling of intimate betrayal and anger is, of course, disbelief. It’s always “Not my wife, she wouldn’t do something like that.” But more and more, the sad truth is, sometimes, she would.Statistics support that, although women are far more closed-mouthed concerning “indiscretions,” most will go to the grave without ever having shown the slightest evidence of having committed infidelity. The reasons for such behavior are as varied as the people that succumb to the temptation, everyone has their reasons and they rationalize the behavior in their own minds to ease their conscience.Should the episodes ever be discovered, many of them lead to violent confrontations, divorce, and complete separation from what is seen as the “normal self.” People behave both, predictably and unpredictably, often at the same time. Most people are quite certain of how they might react when confronted with such a circumstance, but there are endless examples of even “the bravest of the brave” abandoning their courage at a critical moment and fleeing to save their own skin.On the other side of the argument, there are those people who are capable of the greatest most unpredictable acts of courage, selflessness, and sacrifice, completely out of character for what is their perceived “normal.” On occasion, some will display a degree of understanding never before exhibited within the relationship. Playing Walter Middy and living through something, are very different experiences. Daydreams aren’t real life.Most people, when confronted with this kind of admission feel like they’ve been run over by a truck, certainly an understandable reaction. In reality, all the signs were there for you to see, like flashing signs on a dark highway. Chances are, you just weren’t paying attention. Long-term relationships are made up of infinite components, some of those elements are seemingly insignificant until one by one they vanish from the whole like leaves falling from a tree until all at once, that tree is barren, a skeleton of what it once was. The beauty is, that same tree can and will regenerate its foliage and be the vibrant living thing it once was, but it needs to be nurtured. You can’t ignore it thinking it’ll just take care of itself. That’s how things die.When a relationship begins, that very tree blooms, and each leaf, whether consciously recognized or not, is a vital part of the whole. That’s what we’re attracted to, that’s what we fall in love with, that tree, that notion, that reality and it is initially shared by both. That becomes our “idea”, our normal.As the leaves begin to fall, these ostensibly insignificant elements create enormous voids.Most of the time, we never know which of those falling leaves possesses extreme importance to our partners. What may seem like an insignificant gesture to us, a meaningless component in the big picture, for them is vital. These things are generally easily recognized if you’re paying attention.Oftentimes, the person to whom these things are critically important may be oblivious to that fact. That’s what happens when we become complacent. We take things for granted. Some believe that complacency and contentment are the same things. That is a dangerous misconception.Pay attention, that particular relationship is the foundation of all others, whether we realize it or not.“We have to talk,” was the ominous beginning to this unpredictable chain of events. “Honey, I have to tell you something.”“Oh Geez,” I thought to myself. That could mean anything. Rarely has a great conversation begun with those very words. Those words are normally the precursor to trouble, as was the case here. Every Red Flag unfurled at once. The Nausea Blanket of Doom enveloped me.“Alright, so what’s the trouble?” I asked with tempered suspicion.“Well,” she began with enormous apprehension in her voice.” I guess there’s no easy way to say this, but there’s this guy at work.”“Oh crap,” I replied sounding like the rug of my world had just been pulled out from underneath me, which, in fact, it had. I immediately jumped to conclusions and reacted impulsively, imagining the worst possible scenario.“I’m not even going to ask who it is because right now that’s not the most important thing to me. What is important, is “why.” How and when did I manage to push you so far away? I mean, you and I, we…I just don’t understand.“ I stammered with my thoughts racing and fragmenting at the same time.“You didn’t push me away in as much as maybe I drifted away,” she replied sounding very remorseful. “It wasn’t like I planned this.”“It never really is, well, almost never. I know kocaeli escort you’re not that kind of person, so in order for something like this to happen, there has to be something very very wrong,” I said being more rational than anyone would have ever expected. “That’s why I’m so interested in “why” this happened, we’ll get around to “what” actually has happened a bit later.”“I have no idea,” she responded searching for reasoning. “I keep asking myself that same question.”“Obviously you felt the need to say something about it. I’m sure your conscience has been beating you up pretty well, but here’s the part I don’t understand. Am I not attentive enough? Am I not available enough? Do I not try hard enough? Am I not a good partner?”“You’re all those things, you always have been, sometimes even too much.”“I mean, I’m aware of what I do as well as aware of what I don’t. I’m honestly engaged in our relationship.Whether you see it or not, I’m actively trying to better it. Even if you don’t agree with the methods, you have to acknowledge the effort being expended,” I paused taking a deep breath and bracing myself. “So, tell me honestly,” I said readying myself to ask the question that one no in this situation wants to hear the answer to, but is compelled to ask. “Are you in love with this guy?”She let out a sigh of exasperation and said, “No, I’m not. Love has nothing to do with it. Which adds to my confusion, This just isn’t like me.”I felt some small sense of relief and then you continued, “But there is a bit of an attraction, in a way that I can’t define…I…I can’t explain it. That’s what bothers me. ”I guess I looked dejected, shocked, in disbelief, all the things one might expect. “What exactly has happened?”“Honey,” she began very seriously and matter-of-fact. “Nothing has happened. Absolutely nothing. Well, hardly anything, I promise.”“Well, if it was all so innocent and ‘hardly’ nothing at all happened, then why do you feel compelled to mention it?” I asked confused. “And what exactly does ‘hardly’ mean? I’m guessing I’m not going to be too damn crazy about ‘hardly’.”“That’s why I’m confused about what happened,” she replied.“Okay, you’re going to have to tell me just exactly what happened and clarify just what ‘hardly’ is?”She looked at me with some apprehension before starting, I guess gathering her thoughts or courage or something of the sort.“I told you how that guy who started working at the center a few weeks ago, right?” she began.“Yeah, I remember. But you also said that you didn’t really see much of him and that he was there mostly for the after 6:00 pm clients.”“Yes, that’s right, that’s how it is,” she paused before continuing. “Last week, he came into my room while I was straightening things up, wiping things down. He’d do that sometimes between clients or if someone canceled,” she paused again. “We were just talking, about normal stuff, work stuff. And then he started telling me about how he had gotten divorced, that he lived by himself and that the only time he got to talk with anyone was basically at work. He was telling more personal stuff about his marriage, but people open up to me for some reason and I just thought it was a simple case of just wanting to have someone to talk to, at least that’s how it started,”She stopped and took a breath before continuing. “So, I picked up my things and turned to leave and he was kind of between me and the door. I don’t know if he was blocking the door intentionally or not, it didn’t seem like that at the time. When I approached the door, he grabbed my arms, just below my shoulders, and put my back against the wall and he kissed me.”“And you stopped him?” I said, hoping for the right answer.“I did,” she sighed, “but not right away. It only lasted a second or two but when I pushed him away, his hand was on my…well…you know.”“Oh, that’s just great!” I protested. “So he had his hand down your pants?! On your, You Know!”“No! No!” you shot back. “He had his hand…well, umm, right here,” she said, indicating your little mound.“Oh for fuck sakes!” I said becoming more infuriated. “And why didn’t you tell me immediately?”“Because I knew you’d charge over there and beat hell out of him, and then everyone would know what had happened and I would have been mortified.”“Yep, there you go,” I confirmed, trying to catch my breath. “So this was a one-time thing and I’m just supposed to forget about it, right?”“Well,” she paused and for far too long, “ It wasn’t a one-time thing. After it happened, I was really upset. I felt as though he had violated me, which, in fact, he had. But I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I couldn’t stop thinking about why I hadn’t stopped him, why I didn’t slap him or something. I don’t understand why I did the ‘deer kocaeli escort bayan in the headlights, thing.”“Well, why in the hell didn’t you?” I said, agitated.“Because when it happened, I felt something, ”Again, she paused collecting her thoughts or summoning her courage, and continued, “I got kind of wet, maybe even a little bit tingly. I thought, maybe it was because the whole thing took me by surprise, I wasn’t ready for anything like that to happen, it was a complete shock. Maybe I didn’t have time to react, maybe I just wasn’t thinking. The whole thing just confused me and upset me. I just kept thinking about it. I knew I should tell you, but tell you what, exactly? I didn’t know what I’d say, how I’d say it or even where to begin. I figured it was just a stupid impulsive thing and that I’m a big girl, I could handle it myself.”“So, the next day, just like he usually does, he came into my room while I was cleaning up. He said he felt guilty, that he was very sorry and that he didn’t know what had compelled him to do that and that he was very ashamed. He said that he hoped it wouldn’t affect our friendship. I didn’t say anything, I just listened and kept straightening up the room. I grabbed my jacket and purse and got ready to leave.“Then he asked me if I had said anything to anyone, and I said, no. Suddenly, I got pretty pissed off and said, ’You had no right doing what you did. I didn’t ask for that and I don’t know what you were thinking I walked over to the door and he moved toward the door too like he was going to open it for me. Instead, he cornered me again and the same thing happened, he kissed me and rubbed his hand on the front of my pants for a couple of seconds,” she paused again before continuing. ”And he told me that he could feel the heat coming through my pants. He was right and, well, this time I could feel it…I got really wet again.”“Oh Geez!” I exclaimed. “Ok, ok…” I stammered and very quickly thought of a reason to rationalize that in my head. “There could be a lot of reasons for that, for example…uh…you were just taken by surprise, caught off guard and just reacted…you know…involuntarily…or maybe you were just flattered, right? Just flattered. Plain and simple. I mean here’s a guy that’s just completely compelled and can’t help himself…a guy that really, really needs a punch or two in the face.”“Honey,” she implored. “ I’m telling you this because I’m trying to be honest. I’m honestly confused and I don’t know what to do.”“It’s easy,“ I offered. “I know exactly what to do.“You looked up hopefully and met my eyes and I suggested a solution. “There are these things called guns…”“Honey, I want to figure this out. I want us to figure this out.”“What’s there to figure out?” I protested. “Some predator guy basically accosted you at work and I should hire a lawyer and sue everybody!”“Yes, that’s partly true,” you agreed. “But…”“How did I know there was a ‘But’ in there someplace…?”“But…I felt something. That’s the problem, I felt something. Something I haven’t felt in a long time, at least not in that way. I don’t know how I feel about that or what to do about it.”“Why do we have to do anything about it?” I said incredulously and then thought to myself. “What’s the alternative? To have my wife thinking about this other man perpetually, wondering ‘what if’ from now on?”“We have to do something because I don’t know what’s going to happen if we don’t,” she confessed.“I don’t know what you want me to say. I’m sure I’m in some kind of shock or something right now and I probably am in no real state of mind to make any kind of decisions right now but I can’t just forget about it and revisit this later…I mean, what else am I going to think about? There has to be some kind of resolve, but I don’t know what that is. Am I supposed to say, ‘Gee Honey, why don’t you just go and have a boyfriend and let me know how that works out? I’ll hold down the fort here and just pretend that I have no idea of what’s going on. ‘ I’m just not seeing any good choices here.I took a deep breath and tried to collect my thoughts, trying to separate what I know from what I think I know.“Okay, what I’m hearing from you is that you’re infatuated to a degree that’s shocking to you and even a bit intolerable. I know what your curiosity is capable of. You’re wanting to figure out why you reacted to this guy’s advances the way you did and up to this point, the biggest reason you haven’t acted on those feeling yet is that you have a huge emotional investment and feelings right here. Right now you’re feeling very conflicted. Does that sound accurate?”“Mostly but you forgot one important thing,” she said very sincerely.“And what’s that?” I asked.“That I love you,” you answered.“I know you izmit escort do,” I returned. Hearing those words from her brought me somewhat back to my senses. “I love you too and that’s why this doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.”“It doesn’t make sense to me either, Honey, but I just can’t stop thinking about it,” she said at a loss for words.“You mean, thinking about him,” I said dejectedly.“No, no, that’s not it. That’s why I’m so confused. It’s not him I’m thinking about. It’s how I felt, why I reacted or didn’t react. This guy touched me, basically violated me and I got excited. I would never have dreamed that I would react like that. That’s not me.”“What’s this guy’s name, anyway?”“It’s Dean,” she replied somewhat resigned.“Oh well of course it is.” I sighed, throwing my arms up in the air “That’s just perfect. I suppose he has a brother named Sam.”“Not funny,” she retorted.“Well, I know for certain that I can’t continue in our relationship knowing that you’re preoccupied and dwelling on a ’what if’. This is easily the biggest challenge we’ve ever faced as a couple. Something has to happen. I can’t handle thinking that every time you leave the house or go to work that you’re going to have this guy accosting you. You may just break and give into the temptation.”“I know you can’t live like that and I wouldn’t ask you to do such a thing,” she answered with great understanding.“I’d like to say that this is a trust issue, but it’s not,” I said, basically thinking out loud. “You came to me and told me about what’s going on before anything, well, almost anything happened, so you haven’t broken any trust boundaries. And I still have no idea how to resolve this,” I continued my train of conscious thinking out loud, “Okay, so far we have:“Number One: a guy that can’t or won’t keep his hands to himself.”Number Two: a beautiful, sexy woman that is conflicted regarding just how she feels about number one, and”Number Three: another guy that has no idea what to tell number two.Does that pretty much define what’s going on here?” I said still thinking out loud.“I guess so,” she replied, resigned.“Well, I only see two options, both with essentially the same basic outcome,” I paused trying to suppress the level of nausea that had just skyrocketed. I cleared my throat and continued. “The most obvious option is to simply split up and go our separate ways, affecting dozens of situations as well as destroying a family. Or there’s the non-traditional option two.” I couldn’t even believe what I was about to suggest, “Or you just have to see this thing through.”“What do you mean!?” she exclaimed very much aghast. “Through to what?”“To wherever it goes, I guess,” I said, feeling the dejection myself.“I don’t even know what that means,” she replied becoming frustrated until her head slowly turned to face mine with an expression of abject horror.“Well, what else am I supposed to suggest? This is either the end of us as a couple, and it may very well be anyway, or you have to see it through. I don’t see any other choices. Neither is great and neither, in the long term, may not be any solution at all, but it’s all I can come up with.”“So you’re saying I should just go and sleep with him?!” she stammered out in disbelief. “That’s just gross. It’s unthinkable. I’m not like that at all and you know it!”“I do, I do, I do know that, ”I argued back. “But this isn’t my dilemma…well, I mean, it is now but…something is definitely going on or we wouldn’t be having this discussion. And I found out about it ten minutes ago.” I ran out of things to say that might even remotely make sense.We just sat in silence for a few moments with our own thoughts trying to mentally regroup until I said…“Look, I’m just trying to help work this out for the good of our relationship, plain and simple. As distasteful or objectionable as this is…it is for a lot of reasons. That fact remains that you have a strange, undefined attraction to this guy. And whether you like it or not, right now, that’s a fact. You’ve practically said it yourself, and I also know that now that you’re talking about it, you’re also pretty upset with yourself for feeling this way. But you just feel the way you feel.”“Now that I’m talking to you about it, it seems way worse,” she said resignedly. “I thought we could figure out something together.”“Like what? Isn’t that what we’re trying to do?” I implored. “Look let’s just back this up for a minute and just break things down again. As much as it pains me to say it, you have some kind of attraction to this guy, most probably just physical, right?”“I’m not sure but maybe,” she admitted.“Okay, I will reluctantly accept that. And you don’t really want this to be the end of our relationship but you want to work this out together, right?”“That’s right,” she said.“Well, I’ve always said, this relationship is it for me. I’m too old to go build something else, so, I have to work with what I’ve got here. And I think you feel the same way, right?”

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