Reflections on a Painful Past Ch. 02
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-I’m a mess. Of course I am I know what’s coming. I lived it. This letter was meant to be for my daughter but somehow the demons of my past have taken control. Well, only the one demon actually. The one I loved. Claire. Unable to stop I’ve gone well beyond the point of no return. I will not be giving this letter to Leanne; it reveals things that have never been revealed to anyone before. Not even Jack, my wonderful husband, who picked up the pieces after Claire broke me all apart.
Even though the memories pouring out of the ever present darkness in the back of my mind are twenty years old, I’m living it now like I’m right there again as my pen scratches away at the paper and my tears fall. This time there will be no stopping, no escape until the story is told…
The day after Claire took my virginity was heaven and hell. Heaven because all I could think about was what we’d done and hell because… well because, for me at least, army training was hell and I was more tired than I’d ever been in my life. You need every instant of your exactly eight hours of sleep a night when you’re training so hard. The physical and mental exhaustion from your day’s activities have you falling asleep the moment your head hits the pillow. Well most of the time anyway. Over our last few nights of discovery together, tucked away in my corner of a ten person barracks room, hidden from the others only by the flimsy curtain at the foot of my bed and darkness, Claire and I had been denying ourselves the sleep we needed. It was taking its toll. We were walking zombies.
That day was also to be a day of minor humiliation. When I awoke in the morning I found my underpants and my sheets stained with blood. Claire had been pretty rough when she broke my hymen, slamming her finger through and then wiggling it around. In the dark neither of us had realised I was bleeding that much. We got issued fresh sheets once a week on Saturday. It was Thursday. I had to go to the Platoon Commander and make up a lie about my period coming early. Fortunately she was one of the nicer ones. She didn’t make a spectacle of me; she just gave me the chit I needed to change my sheets and a pat on the back as I left her office.
“Don’t worry Private; it’s all the exercise that your body’s not accustomed to. It can throw your body clock out of sync. It happens to at least one girl every intake.”
I left, wondering if indeed it really did happen or whether situations like mine and Claire’s might be a bit more common than we thought.
I was quite relieved when at lunch that day Claire slid a paper across the table to me.
“Need a break, need a couple of nights good sleep. Hope you liked it?”
I gave her a shy smile. I couldn’t believe she needed to ask. She’d been a Goddess and she took me to heaven. I quickly started to rip up the note; we couldn’t afford to be found out. She stopped me and indicated she wanted me to hand it back then did the job herself. Maybe she didn’t trust me to dispose of it. I felt a little hurt. Anyway a few good nights of sleep was exactly what we both needed and as much as I would miss the wonderful fun we’d been having in the dark I kind of needed her to give me a bit of breathing space for while anyway. I’d gone from being a completely naive and inexperienced virgin who’d never even kissed before to having my first ever sex, with a girl, in just a few days. I’d never even masturbated before that. Now I was doing it as often as the tough situation would allow. A lot of the girls did. But it was very hard to be subtle about it.
Our barracks room had an aisle down the centre and five beds down either side of that, my bed was one of the two farthest from the door, from which the Platoon Sergeant could watch us. Between my bed and Claire’s were my wardrobe and a low set of drawers. Claire could sneak into my bed at night by climbing quietly over the drawers. On the other side of her was Natalie. Neither of us really got on with Nat and she’d almost caught us at it the second night we’d played together. Claire always came to me, never the other way around. Her bed had noisy springs and was too close to Natalie.
My bed was built into the wall and had wooden slats under the mattress so it made no noise. Claire was very good at staying quiet but for me it was a problem and she’d taken to stuffing a pillow in my mouth when we played. I kind of liked that. What I didn’t like was that I still had a really obvious, badly bruised, bite mark on my shoulder that meant I needed to be extra careful in the communal showers. We didn’t want to get caught. It still hurt when I touched it and my pack straps against it when we marched were agony. It’d been an accident though. She didn’t mean to hurt me and she’d said sorry. Of course I forgave her, she was a beautiful blond goddess and I worshiped her.
On the second night of rest I was woken up sometime late in the night. The moon was not as bright as it had been two nights ago but I could see Claire sitting on my dresser with eryaman escort her feet on her side. She’d thrown a rolled up sock at me to get my attention and I brought it back as she beckoned me over. I was nervous. She was a lot more experienced than me and she’d taken charge, which was great because when it came to sex I was pretty clueless. Most of what we’d done was wonderful but I didn’t like everything she did to me. She’d hurt me a couple of times already, that’s why I had a little fear.
She took hold of my face and kissed me. As always I melted. Her kisses owned me. It went on for a while and then she pulled back and smiled. She patted me on my check and then started to make hand signs at me. She would point at me, then my ear then back down the room. What did she mean? Frustrated she grabbed me by the earlobe and pulled my head around. That really fucking hurt and I was pissed off but she was gesturing pointedly in Natalie’s direction. And finally my slow sleep deprived brain caught on. Listen. At first I didn’t hear anything… Then the bed springs creaked… again… a bit of gasped breath… The bed springs again. I almost burst out laughing. Nat was masturbating! When Claire saw I’d finally got the message she winked at me in the dark and pointed back at my bed. I could tell she was up to no good. She had that look.
I climbed back into my bed and she vanished from my dresser top. She must be slipping back into bed as well. She was so fucking stealthy, it was amazing. Then she did something completely un-stealthy. Oh god how I wanted to laugh.
“We can fucking hear what you’re doing Nat. Give it a break girl, you’ll go blind!” It was so loud the whole room must have woken. There were a few sniggers from around about.
From Natalie’s bed there came a loud snore.
“Ha. Don’t think your fooling anyone bitch, you were fucking yourself!” more laughter and it must have gotten to Nat because she couldn’t help rising to the bait.
“Fuck you, nosey dyke cunt! Shut up! I was just scratching! My sheets are itchy…”
Gail’s of laughter! But then the room fell silent. The Platoon Sergeant had heard us. Her torch light wobbled in the door as she stomped down the hall.
“If you stupid shits don’t need sleep then we aren’t working you hard enough. You’ll all do a hundred push ups before breakfast tomorrow.”
She stomped off. Everyone was silent. Inside I was almost crying. I’d only had to do one hundred once before and my arms had been so shaky weak afterwards I could barely hold a pen in my classes that day. Tomorrow was going to be hard. But it had been worth it. Around the room there was still the occasional snickering. It was amazing what a relief a bit of laughter can be when you’re stuck in a living hell.
We very seldom got chances to talk. It was funny really, I’d fallen head over heels for this girl and I really didn’t know anything about her. The few stolen moments when we did manage to share a few words were taken up with her instructing me on what she wanted me to do. She was very good at showing me, but some things needed to be explained. The toilet was the best place for it, or the laundry. One of us would mention in the barracks that we needed to do some laundry but didn’t have a full load. Then ask if anyone had a few things they needed washed. The other then had to be quick to get in before anyone else took up the offer. Then Bang! Five minutes together alone in the laundry and another ten minutes or so later when the laundry was done and needed folding. We used this trick quite a few times but the first time was the time that gave her the chance to tell me how she wanted things to be.
“You’re doing great Jesse, You’re a good girl. Brave.”
Such soft words, her words were always one of the gentlest things about her. There wasn’t much that was gentle about her so I cherished them. Oh she loved to talk dirty to me as well, call me names. Minx, Slut, Pet. I loved that too, it made me feel deliciously naughty. My favourite was ‘Pet’. It made me feel so… so owned. The power dynamic of our relationship had taken shape very early. I was inexperienced and she knew what she was doing and what she wanted. She was the boss. She liked that and I did too. We never really talked about it but I guess I was just a naturally submissive girl and she couldn’t help but dominate. I’m not ashamed of it. It’s just how we were.
Her words that day were tender and I knew it meant she was ready for us to resume our night time adventures. I wanted to say something special for her too. I said the first thing that came into my head.
“Claire, I want you to know that I love you.”
I didn’t know I was that brave. Guess I was. She kind of stiffened up and I was worried I’d made a terrible mistake. Then she got a little half smile, Claire’s smiles were mostly half smiles, she only really grinned when she was up to no good, which wasn’t entirely uncommon.
“Maybe you do… Maybe you do pet. Maybe you’re eryaman escort bayan just infatuated with me because I’m your first. Time will tell. But if you do love me… well… Yea, I’ll like that. I own you either way slut and tonight you’re going to eat out my cunt.”
Somewhere cosmic events were happening on a galactic scale but they paled in comparison to what was going on in my head. I was pleased by her first words and shocked by her last words, such a sudden change of direction. My cheeks felt hot and I suspect I was glowing red. I’d never imagined myself doing something like that, something so intimate. I was a little afraid that I wouldn’t like it. There can be some pretty funky smells down there, what would the taste be like? But Claire had said I was going to do it, so I was. I wish she wouldn’t call it a cunt though. That just seemed a bit crude. I liked ‘pussy’, that was nicer.
“Yes Claire, Thank you.”
I’m not sure why I said that but somehow I did feel grateful. I don’t know what for.
“Good girl. If you make me cum tonight then tomorrow night I have a treat for you. Now hurry up, we’re taking too long.”
Oh god how I wanted that treat, how I wanted to know what it was! How can you be so afraid of something and want it so badly at the same time? But that was the nature of our relationship, then at the beginning and onwards, right to the end. What I did know was I didn’t care about smells and I didn’t care about tastes. I didn’t even care about dignity. I cared about Claire and I was God damn going to make her cum or die trying.
Claire taught me a lot that night about how to please her. Obviously she couldn’t speak to me so she did it with her hands by guiding me. She was quite forceful but she didn’t hurt me… well except for a little bit when she was holding my face against her with my hair. She pulled my hair a bit too hard but I actually kind of enjoyed that. The lessons I learnt though, were ones that would apply for all of our sex from then on. She would tell me where and when I could touch her. That was the main thing. Unlike me she didn’t like much stimulation early on. She didn’t like her nipples touched much. They must be a lot more sensitive than mine. Sometimes as she was nearing orgasm she would take my hands and slide them up her chest but she would keep her hands on the back of mine so she could pull them away as soon as she started to cum. If I was pleasing her there were two ways I was allowed to do it. Like we had that once before when she held me down and rubbed her pussy on my thigh or like we were doing that night, with me kneeling before her, my head between her legs as she positioned herself at the edge of the bed.
She woke me quite late. I think it was probably early morning, not late night. It was really dark. Not much moonlight at all. I could see that she was already naked though. That was enough to get me instantly aroused. I got really wet when I was aroused or so I’d discovered over the last few nights, so I pulled my panties off as she pulled my top sheet and blanket down to the foot of the bed. She hadn’t told me to do it but she seemed to approve and indicated I should pull my T shirt off as well. I did so, eagerly.
Claire was quite different to me physically in many ways. My wetness was one of those differences. She didn’t really start getting wet till she was quite close to orgasm, then she gushed. The sensitivity of our bodies was another. I was sensitive all over as soon as I started to get aroused. Claire was too sensitive in her breasts right up until just before her orgasm and apart from that she wasn’t very sensitive at all except for her pussy. She had one secret though and that was her sides. My sides were super ticklish but Claire’s were something magnitudes beyond that. If I brushed my fingers lightly on her sides she’d go wild. If she wasn’t aroused it was angry wild, if she was it was horny wild. I learnt that it was one of the naughtiest things I could do. I could get away with it once in a blue moon but if I did it too often… well, she’d make me pay.
There were many lessons to learn over time, but that night they were simple. She guided me with her hands and I followed. She’d taken a seat on the edge of the bed with her hips rolled back a bit so I’d have the access I needed. Her legs were wide apart and she indicated she wanted me to sit between them. I chose to kneel, it just felt right, to kneel before my Goddess. I found that kneeling upright my head was too high. I wouldn’t be able to do what she wanted me to do. Oh god! Any thoughts of what I was about to be doing were terrifying and I pushed them away. Just live in the moment. Obey Claire and everything would be okay!
I needed to adjust my position. I moved my legs further apart and pushed my bottom down to the floor so I was sitting between, instead of on top of, my calves. That was better. I could smell her musky odour by now and it was potent but erotic. My nervousness was turning into excitement. escort eryaman Claire took my hands and put them outside her thighs flat against her hips. She held them there firmly for a moment. I understood. That’s what she did when she was telling me to leave them where she put them. I obeyed.
Every four weeks we would all line up and have our hair cut. It was a uniform cut. Number three comb on a pair of clippers all over. It left our hair about one centimetre long but it had been almost four weeks since the last cut and my bright red hair had always been fast growing. It was probably a bit over three centimetres long by now, just long enough for Claire to get a hold of it and drag my head in. I actually resisted a bit. I just needed a moment to prepare myself mentally and emotionally for what I was about to do but she didn’t give me that time. She put her other hand on the back of my head and refused to let me pull back against the hand that had hold of my hair. That was the bit that hurt. After that I gave up and she didn’t hurt me again. See, it was my own fault anyway.
She’d pulled my head in till I was almost but not quite touching her. My nose was millimetres from her clitoris. Her forcefulness had me in the grips of a powerful arousal and I just wanted to bury my face in her and rub it all about. The idea was so wanton it sent a shiver of ecstasy down my spine but while I may not have ever done this before I knew the general principal. I was supposed to lick, wasn’t I? Hesitantly I extended my tongue. I guessed soft would be best to start with, I didn’t want to hurt her. I could lick softly and if she seemed to like it I’d try a little harder. I pressed my face forward and slid my tongue in between her labia right on top of her clitoris. I felt her do a little wiggle as I got my first ever taste of pussy. Was that a good wiggle or a bad wiggle? The taste was interesting, neither good nor bad just kind of strong and… Well, I could live with it.
I moved the tip of my tongue over her quickly swelling little bud and she squeezed her thighs together for a moment. Damn! I liked that, her silky smooth thighs clamping down on my ears. Her motion pushed my head away though and I realised that maybe she was too sensitive where I was licking. I wasn’t sure where to go. I was ashamed of myself. She never failed to touch me right but I couldn’t even do this one simple thing right for her. I had tears coming to my eyes and searching for some kind of direction I looked up at her. My eyes met hers, she’d been watching me, watching me try and work it out, watching me discover this new experience. She looked like she was enjoying that to. Maybe she found my bumbling about cute or endearing, I just felt humiliated but she could see I was upset and she brushed the tears off my cheeks tenderly and took hold of the back of my head with both hands.
Now in full control she guided me to where she wanted me. I stuck my tongue out and she moved my head so it was down much lower in her pussy, down near her opening then she rocked her hips. With each little thrust my tongue was driven up against her opening and her Labia began to blossom. They swelled up, mine didn’t do that and I was fascinated. My tongue was too soft to penetrate her but she seemed to really like the feel of it in that area. As I got more confident that she was actually liking what I was doing I started lashing my tongue about as she rocked her hips and pulled on my head rhythmically. My mouth was all over the place now, just like I’d imagined licking her lips, licking her hole, even dipping a little lower every now and then. It was her that was driving it but I loved it.
My nose kept bumping into her swollen clit and that seemed to drive her wild. Her scent was filling my head and my own pussy was aching with desire. I started to pull one of my hands away from her hips to touch myself but quick as a snake she caught it with one of hers and put it back where she wanted it. It appeared I wasn’t allowed to do that. I would get no reward until I made her cum. Fair- enough, I redoubled my efforts as a small puddle started to form on the floor beneath me.
She was getting pretty wet too now, maybe her own juices, maybe my saliva, probably both. I could taste her, I breathed her, licked her and I pleased her. She went to her happy place. I was so fucking proud of myself. Her hands left the back of my head and her thighs clamped down on my ears again. Her feet left the floor and crossed over each other behind my back. It was like a wrestlers hold but it wasn’t, it was a powerful orgasm and she was riding it out silently. Such self control! With my face mashed into her sopping pussy I could barely breathe. I could feel her internal muscles contracting. My tongue and lips were mashed up against her convulsing opening and instinctively I thrust my tongue out. With the fluids that were gushing from her and trickling down my chin she was well lubricated and with her vaginal canal convulsing, my tongue just seemed to slide in. She actually made a noise. Just a small gasp but still this was Claire, I was shocked. Her powerful muscles quickly squeezed me out but I just stuck it straight back in again. Over and over this repeated and her orgasm seemed to go on and on.
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